George Carlin was a stand-up comedian and social critic. Named as the dean of counterculture comedians, Carlin was well known for his stand-up comedy shows and his reflections on politics, religion, and taboo topics.
Carlin was so influential that in 1978 the SCOTUS used his “seven dirty words” routine in a case to reaffirm the government’s ability to censor vulgar material on public networks. This accentuated his critics on America’s way of doing things.
Carlin’s comedy specials were aired on HBO. He was also a frequent face on The Tonight Show. And true to himself, his final stand-up comedy special was done a few months before his death in 2008.
Aside from stand-up comedy, George also featured a myriad of roles in films like Car Wash, The Prince of Tides, Dogma, and Scary Movie 3. He also didn’t stop there and lent his voice to give Zugor (Tarzan II) and Fillmore (Cars) life.
Look at this collection of quotes by George Carlin that you should read if you want to have a laugh or just entertain yourself with some thought-provoking takes. Let’s go!
George Carlin’s Funny Quotes
Having dedicated his life to comedy, George Carlin accumulated quite a lot of funny moments. His career in comedy was what opened a lot of doors for him back in the 60s. Surely, he will always be one of the greatest to have been in the industry.
Here are some of Carlin’s funniest quotes:
“Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.”
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
George Carlin Intriguing Quotes
Aside from making jokes, George Carlin also used his humor to make funny questions that actually made you reflect on them. His talent for comedy was certainly his ability to make anything entertaining.
Here are some of his most intriguing quotes:
“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.”
“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”
“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
“Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!”
“I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
“If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?”
“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
“Is there another word for synonym?”
“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”
“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job!”
“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”
“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”
“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin on Life
Like any other person with a platform like his, Carlin also commented on and gave advice on the topic of life in general. He had a very interesting point of view in many areas and in this one, he didn’t come up short either.
Here’s an array of George Carlin quotes where he talks about life:
“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
“You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”
“Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”
“I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”
“Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
“I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”
“… Why do so many people need help?! Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, you take one good shit and you go back to bed. What’s the f****ng mystery?!”
“I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
“Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn’t a skill… it’s a f****ng genetic accident. You wouldn’t say I’m proud to be 5’11”; I’m proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.”
“It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”
“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
“Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. ‘200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore’ is not nearly as interesting a headline as ‘Charlie kills 200.’ Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.”
“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”
“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.”
“My advice: just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”
“Life is tough, then you die.”
“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
George Carlin on Politics and America
The stand-up comedian was very vocal about his critics of America and American politics. He also satirized his country’s culture to make a point about its issues in his routines. His critics were various, but he usually had a liberal point of view.
Here are some of the most interesting quotes by Carlin where he criticized America’s way of doing things:
“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”
“Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.”
“A person of good intelligence and sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality – and it’s not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing – it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.”
“Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.”
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
“Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.”
“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.”
“Political correctness is America’s newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people’s language with strict codes and rigid rules. I’m not sure that’s the way to fight discrimination. I’m not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech.”
“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”
“Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”
“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
“Oh, beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, for strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
“Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”
“Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that’ve long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them.”
“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”
“They’re not pro-life. You know what they are? They’re anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don’t like them. They don’t like women. They believe a woman’s primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state.”
“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
Carlin on Society
Carlin was an avid social critic. Aside from his views on politics, he also spoke about his views on how society needs to be better. If he ever found an issue, he was quick to make his stance on it known.
Here are some of his criticisms of society. Check them out!
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
“Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It’s nature’s supreme joke. Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to f**k things up.”
“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”
“I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.'” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”
“Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
“I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality, and integrity.”
“We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the fuckin’ planet? . . . And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.”
George Carlin on Religion and Atheism
Despite the fact that George was born into a Catholic family, he rejected religion vehemently in all of its forms. Using his opinion on it during his comedic routines, giving his criticism a touch of humor.
Here are some of the most striking George Carlin quotes about religion:
“He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly.”
“I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
“Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
“Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.”
“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.”
“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”
“Religion is just mind control.”
“To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.”
“Religion is like drugs; it destroys the thinking mind.”
“I don’t know how you feel, but I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”
“When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”
“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
“Religion is like a pair of shoes….Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”
“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
“I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There’s no mystery, no one asks for money, I don’t have to dress up, and there’s no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to ‘God’ are all answered at about the same 50% rate.”
“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”
George Carlin on Comedy
George also talked multiple times about what comedy as a career was for him. It definitely is like any other job and shouldn’t be taken lightly. It takes talent, time, and dedication to make it as big as he did. Here are some of Carlin’s takes on comedy as a career:
“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
“But when you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That’s when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.”
“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
“People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”
“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
Wrapping Up
As you have read in these quotes, George Carlin was a well-rounded comedian and actor. He left a legacy based on comedy and honesty. He never stayed quiet on what he thought was important and gave his spin to it too.
If you found that you laughed while reading this or that his views aligned with yours, remember these quotes if you ever need to use them in a debate or if you just need to make a joke. Follow Carlin’s lead!
